How can I help my teen appreciate holiday time with our family?

By YOU Program Facilitator

Question: My teenage daughter doesn't want to spend time with our family during the holidays. She would rather hang out with her friends and their families. How do I get her to appreciate her time with us?

Answer: You’re not alone with this concern. Many parents of teenagers have the same issue, as teenagers are in a time of transition. In order to compromise with her and keep the peace, acknowledge this growth and allow your daughter to take on a more adult role in holiday preparations and celebrations. Being part of holiday preparations will allow her to feel included and welcomed as an adult participant in the family instead of as a child. It will also validate her by showing that you recognize her transition and value the woman she is becoming. You may consider the following:

• Ask her to choose and prepare one recipe for the holiday menu, offering help as needed. Sharing the kitchen and working on the same project will help you bond and will demonstrate that she can share responsibilities with you.
• Start a new tradition. Your teen may feel a sense of loss for the role in the family she held as a child, or even for the level of holiday excitement and wonder that fades with age. A new tradition, such as holiday volunteering or planning a trip, can be a great way to unite the family.
• Stay true to the family traditions your teen is still attached to. No matter how busy your family life is, or how much tension your teen brings to the family, make a point to continue the traditions that still excite her, whether it’s holiday baking, decorating, or watching classic holiday movies or TV shows together. This is a great way to reaffirm your love and appreciation.

Whatever you do, try to limit fights by working with your daughter to find happy compromises. Make it a goal to help your daughter associate holidays with fun times with parents, grandparents and extended kin, while still allowing her some time to see her friends when activities aren’t planned.

Learn more about the issues addressed in this question in the YOU: Your Child’s First Teacher book series. For information about making time for each other, see the Through High School and Beyond book on page 36. In the same book, read about sharing responsibilities with your child on page 40.