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How can we tell our son we won’t have more kids?

August 22, 2014

By YOU Program Facilitator

How can we tell our son we won’t have more kids? | A smiling toddler swings from his parents' arms.

Question: My wife and I decided not to have any additional children after our first child, and she had her tubes tied. Now our 6-year-old son is asking when he’s going to have a sibling. How can we tell our son that we can’t have children anymore because we chose not to?

Answer: It’s wonderful that you and your wife want to be honest with your son and tell him the reason(s) why you both decided she would have a tubal ligation (which is the medical term for having her tubes tied). However, your son is young and likely doesn’t fully understand the human reproductive system or the complicated reasons couples choose to prevent reproduction.

Take a step back and think about his perspective. He wants a playmate, a sibling to look after, and a new friend. Give him an answer that he will understand at his age.

“Mommy and Daddy love you so much that we don’t need another child.”

You may also want to assess the reasons he wants a sibling. How are his relationships with friends or cousins? Does he bond with one or two other children whom he considers his best friends?

Feed his desire for a dependable playmate by encouraging friendships outside of school. Schedule play dates and talk to your son about what it means to be a good friend. If he’s close with his cousins or kids of family friends, let him know that they are like his brother or sister.

If he wants to look after someone, pets are a great addition to the family (as long as there are rules on who is in charge of feedings, grooming, and messes).

When he gets older and learns about the reproductive process in school, you can give him more information if he asks. At that point, you can tell him that Mom had surgery so she wouldn’t have more kids. Depending on his maturity, you might talk to him about the reasons you both chose for not having more kids. The truly honest answers can wait for a time when he’s emotionally and physically mature enough to understand both the surgery and the reasons for it.

The information on building friendships comes from the YOU: Your Child’s First Teacher book, Through Elementary and Middle School. It is available for purchase on Amazon.

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